apes

January 30, 2006. The day you left me without warning. How can I ever forget this day when you made it a point for me to remember it all my life… Nothing could have shaken me that way. No one has sent me to panic your mother did. When she called me up from that unlisted number… When she informed me about you… You never realized how disastrous it was for me. It pained me in a way I would never thought possible. It was almost impossible for me to find the way to recovery, if such term applies.  I don’t know if hating you or hating myself or other people would be the best way out. I never found out. I was such in a limbo of misery and denial that I could not even bring myself to face the truth. For such along time I did not have the courage to accept the fact, talk about it with somebody else and move on. You know, I will never pour my heart out to anybody, no matter how close the person is. You were the only person who’ve seen me and that is making it so much harder for me to forget you.

Three years have passed. Perhaps, I am really such a great pretender that no one has ever noticed that I am only shattered pieces, dancing with the wind, finding a place where I can collect my main parts and grow the missing pieces…

Will the time come when I can smile every time I remember you? When will that be? When will be the time that I could only remember the happy memories we’ve made together? Will that ever happen…? But why is it when I thought of you I can only feel pain… for how can it be otherwise, when your mom had told me everything but this…that in your last moments in this world you were only thinking of me. That your last breathe was used in making a request, which would forever linger in my most vivid imagination. That the last words you utter were “Tell Kea I love her.”